last nerve

my great aunt, may her memory be a blessing (and today i am missing her a lot), used an expression once or twice about being a 'grumpy gussie' or maybe it was 'grumpy gus.' i don't remember if she was talking about herself or someone else.

but that would be an accurate way to describe myself today. and not just me, i can tell by how everyone around me is acting that there is a collective feeling of slight aggrievement. wherefore? does it have to do with the lost mars probe which, having found ice on that yonder planet, is now going to orbit some universe for ever and ever or else come crashing down on top of somebody's head?

i have the urge to exhale the word motherfucker. over. and over. motherfucker. mothefucker. it's my rxn to the twitch in my eyelid that seems to have decided to hang its hat and stay a while. it's my rxn to the fact that it was 34 degrees this morning and the heat in my damn apartment isn't on and my new landlord's property mgr is, well, kind of a motherfucker and i don't want to call him cause he doesn't return the call for two weeks. it's my rxn to my neck feeling achey, to emails i don't want to answer, to the packed lunch i brought and now don't really want, to my new piece of crap cell phone which died last night even after having been maximally charged. it's my rxn to other things too. it's my rxn to reading a book whose topic seems interesting but whose prose is so dull i cannot stop yawning.

(i once saw an R rated movie on television and they dubbed the cursing. motherfucker became motherlover. to such unnimble translation there is but one clear response.)

the only recourse, right now, is to put on my ipod and listen to 'is this love?' by clap your hands say yeah. that is the only antidote. i adore that song today. makes me want to go into the middle of the street and twirl around and around and around until dizziness compels me to fall in a happy heap onto the hard, cold ground.