squeaky wheels

sometimes get oiled. sometimes get the boot.

got a letter yesterday from my landlord. she had my name spelled wrong—both first and last, this after four years of getting checks with my named typed on it, but no matter—and advised me new management's coming (her daughter) and i have about 4 mos to vacate. but it turns out i am the only one being asked to vacate and when i asked my neigbhor, who's tight with the landlord why me, apparently because i had various plumbing problems that required fixing and i didn't do it myself, swallow it myself. but she also said i should call the landlord and maybe she'll reconsider. so i will. but the anxiety of the situation woke me at 5:30 this morning and by 8 i was making post-run scrambled and toast. so at least i keep trim meanwhile.

the whole thing instantly whips up such a tremendous feeling of precariousness and unsettledness. it's a stunner how fast that comes on. add to that mix the utter feeling of being unwanted, of being identified as someone who doesn't just get along but actually requests things of the landlord (i guess, in other words, a pain in the ass complainer) and it makes me feel like i'm a step away from homeless cause this town, nyc, is pricey and i have a good job but i'm no corporate earner and i just skate by. always goddamn skating. and all alone too. it feels that way today.

how does this relate to courting? gotta court the landlord now. be totally guileless and apologetic and try oh try to convince her to give me another year (take me back my dear darling) and in that time try oh try to find a measure of stability in my life (it'll be different next time, love, i won't hurt you—i promise with all my heart).

it occured to me this might be my opp to move to east nashville, which i love, or new orleans, which i love, or somewhere overseas...but that won't solve the puzzle of unsettled. to make a committment to buy a place, that would be the swellest of all, if i could raise the spinach.

in times like these i vaguely crave a deus ex machina, and not necessarily in a positive way.