the—or at least, a—plague

indecision cripples me. today in the drugstore i spent many minutes (long enough for the butter in my grocery bag to melt) in search of the perfect shampooing. i didn't find it. settled for a less than perfect product. confounded by choices i'm chronically dissatisfied. i know i'm not the only one.

got my usual email from jcrew about a big big big final final sale. and i've been feeling a little poorly so should not shop at all but if i do it should be only in sales bins. but do i need a skirt that's exactly like one i already own but a different color? no, but uncommitted to my decision, returned to the site to reconsider. a silly torture; a time-sucker. it applies in all walks.

do i like him? is there someone better? smarter? cuter? if i open this door, do i lose the others for good? what about my job? how long to stay, though i dig the gig. should i get knocked up? could i go it alone? how long to decide? should i set deadlines? if i go forward, by what method? will i spend so much time wondering, the window will meantime close?

skirtbuying and babymaking are not comparable but there's a parallel gist. today i held a friend's baby, about 12 days old. the tiniest nail beds. and this little one leaked on me while i was holding her. i'm taking it as a good sign. but outside everything seems pitched on a calamitous precipice. i heard a car or a plane or something about an hour ago and it was so loud, the rumble, i thought maybe a bomb went off in my quaint, relatively insulated neighborhood. this post embarrasses me. this blog sometimes embarrasses me. the narcissism of it all. and writing that sentence, like some kind of mea culpa, worsens it with a whiff of irksome sanctimony. not that i'll stop, necessarily, it's a fun escape from shit.