peep show

i'm disoriented. small things are out of whack—i hear a beep when there isn't one; the water tastes soapy; there's a stale smell in the hallway. it's been like that all week. and there's techno weirdness too: my work computer is screwy and a tech dude has to fix it. and my computer at home is, at 4, old. so old it appears i can't get wireless. and still no blinds on the windows and i feel so naked in there and yet nobody's even looking.

in a strange way, i feel like i am in another country, taking myself out to dinner by myself because the fridge is fucked and i await a new one, but getting to my fav sushi place i take a new route, pass buildings i've never passed before and though they're fairly unremarkable, they're still entirely unfamiliar. i go to target after a beer and try to buy something or other to make my house more homey but am stumped by choices and the neon lights and the help there who might mean well but really know little and i should know enough not to ask for help because it becomes another exercise in frustration and by now i'm practically an olympian in that regard, and then i leave again emptyhanded, a little queasy from having to walk down a halted escalator. before that i went to my old apartment to clean out. a jar of plum jam someone once gave me but when i tried long ago to open it, sliced my hand on the metal lid; skippy peanut butter a visitor once bought; a tupperware of frozen berries for oatmeal enhancement. my upstairs neighbor and i chatted. she's been in the building 26 yrs. she told me the couple on the first floor are firmly in the a-a community, which makes me feel like a bit of an asshole for bringing beer the night before i left there when they invited me to dinner (well, takeout, but the kindly intent stands). and though she (the dinner host) said, 'we don't drink,' i said, kind of glibly , 'well, you can save the rest for guests.'

too much is going on in my brain today. the subway trip across the bridge this morning felt so long, long enough for two engrossing daydreams: one having to do with occupying a loft right next to the bridge and dancing in front of open windows oblivious to the subway passengers, and the other, i can't recall anymore. felt like i had been asleep. the guy next to me had really long fingernails and blew into the white plastic lid of his tea. the guy standing in front of me had even longer nails, the kind a drag queen might have. i wanted to ask both if they were banjo pickers or maybe cokeheads. but neither question seemed like a good conversation starter so early in the day.

seems like i haven't had a vegetable in weeks.

someone have mercy on me.