reaping, sowing

today i hit the town of loserville. nobody i said i'd be willing to go out after the speed dating wanted to go out with me and even though i thought many of them were stupid, vapid losers (but hey, i try not to judge!) none of those stupid, vapid losers wanted to see me again. and that made me feel crummy. and unattractive in every aspect. and i know all the rational things to remember about this, i do, but still it's all goddamn demoralizing. maybe i will no longer write of it. any of it. i did at lunch see a guy who lives in my neighborhood who i often see on the subway who i have a secret crush on. i think he's probably married. he's kind of short; salt and pepper hair; the most defined crease on one side of his mouth that gives him a perenially arch expression. i confess that i felt i couldn't even look him in the eye lest he see my humiliation and agree the rejections were warranted.