where's the wonder-full?

well, i had a date on saturday night and did what i do best (what is that, even, make salad dressing?), but it ended a bit oddly and i couldn't tell if the fella, who seemed quite shy all along, was still shy there at the end and awkward too, or simply wanted it to be over so he could go home to tivo or some such. i think it was the latter which i am sometimes on the opposite side of so understand it, but wrote to say anyways that 'i had a lovely time and let's go out again' even though my friend a-l advised perhaps not to say 'lets go out again' because wouldn't that be making myself too vulnerable but on the other hand and on the advice of a writer whose writing inspired me and a relative whose email inspired me (j, i'm talking to you, dude-ls!) i thought, 'without making myself vulnerable i may not get whatever prize i seek' so why not be vulnerable? take off whatever armor? lose that down vest and such? and then got a note back saying, 'yes nice to meet you too, but bad news ladybuggles you're not the one for me,' and 'i am looking for something else in a relationship' and that intellectual theorizing part of me wanted to write back and say 'fine, fine, but is that true?' and what i mean is, 'what else are you looking for, i'm curious' and also, 'is this your way of avoiding telling me the truth, say, that you find me icky and that when i accidentally spilled wine (i was not drunk i was clapping enthusiastically) i seemed sloppy and clumsy and you want someone tidy with a more refined sense of applause?'

how can you tell what kind of relationship you're going to have after one glass of wine and some polite conversation, huh? i wanted to ask all this, i'm a little tired of etiquette. but i also wonder, why bother asking, it's just an energy sucker in this case, and adieu to yuh, don't wanna dwell, but do want to be out there, decidedly attracting not repelling.

whew, such a lot of thoughts.

last night i woke up at 2 am thinking it was 6 am and then was wide awake for two hours and am now tired. but not utterly discouraged. it goes on, i hope. i think sometimes i want to convince myself into liking someone who i may not really like either but i'll give it the college try. even the junior college try, for cryin' out loud. i'm willing to go on more than a single date with someone to find out the score. others are not, maybe they can read the score right away. i will do my best not take it personal even though that's precisely how it feels.

ps -- someone wrote a note a couple of posts back but it's romance language gibberish. that seems just about right.