and so on and so on and so on

super called saturday morning, i was out for a run/jog, with a pal. and leaves a very long and sweet apologetic msg and tells me to call him back. and i don't because, really, what's the point of all this phone chat nonsense. either we go out or we don't but i can't take all the processing and advance work for it. oh, and in the message he calls me 'baby' which i find off putting because we haven't been on a date and i'm not so fond of that word as a term of endearment and what does he think our status is but also, why am i so uptight, it's only a word, right? i could call him sweetheart or sugarplum or dollface or stuff (well, if it was 1967), and it wouldn't mean i am in love. or in like. but so, i don't call back, because it's saturday and i don't really want to be on the phone and i know we'll talk sooner or later. and he calls again when i'm out to make sure i got his msg and to please call him so he can be sure i am not mad. and i am not mad. so i call him and say, 'i am not mad. but if you got to cancel, just say so so i can make alternate plans,' and he says he's going to make it up to me and if he wanted to cancel, he would do it frankly not via avoidance like so many chumps in the world (well, the chumps in the world part is my addition, pls forgive me license).

and that is that. we haven't spoken since. i don't know if it's by design or not but now i do want to go out with him, actively.

and mr kosovo 2007 and i are maybe going to meet this week again, but i feel this is getting silly and i am bullying him into going out. is that possible? probably not. but when you (i mean me) are always seemingly the initiator, it feels unequal and like i may be bullying. is it a bull market now or a bear? can never recall that. oh if i knew how to upload pix here i would take pix of my bull and bear bookends for you to see. they are funny. espeically since i have nothing to do with the markets, i mean i don't work in them or nothing much.

other things that were on my mind fled in the past 44 seconds. 45, 46, 47...

hellz bellz

i was supposed to have a goddamn date tonight. well, it's only now become a goddamn date because here it is, 8 in the evening, and no plan is afoot. with my (no longer quite so) super super. we postponed last time on account of the sniffles (mine) and work (his). but tonight? who knows. i called. he told me to call later. i did. nothing. and gosh darn but do i want to do something tonight.

argh. nobody, but nobody has yet set me up. i am disappointed in the whole. wide. world.

there it goes

everything's changing—i lost my lucky penny. i don't know when, i think this morning, but i only noticed it 45 minutes ago at a pizzeria where i ate in hopes of alleviating the chronic sense of queasy i've had going on near a week. and i'm not in a family way, dunno what it's about. thought maybe hunger. but now i'm just full and without my lucky penny.

and meantime i got this sense of unease. work hanging over me. tick ticking tocking feelings. my super super's in the building right now. working on another apartment. oh but those floors must be polished now! every morning i see him, workng in another apartment, and he makes no mention of our date. oh, yes, we're having a date coming up. or maybe we're not after all. since no mention. would i care? it's the only game i got going this week. and it's not much of one, neither, kind of like jacks not chess. and i keep checking my damn cell phone like some high school kid, hoping for a text msg from mister albania 2007. one day he wrote and said something like 'i have to work 15 more minutes. i will live.' and i replied, 'of course you will!' thinking, erroneously, that he was inconsolable about that quarter hour. a long time when you know after it you're gonna see moi! but it was a typo, or is it fairly called a typo if you don't know how to spell? anyway, i don't think he's a good speller, but it's not his fault, he's from another place where they don't speak english so good. (and i don't know geography so good neither, he's actually from kosovo, not albania). i'd lick him in scrabble, for shizz. but i think he lost the crown, the mister albania 2007 crown, some kind of scandal, mishap, public drinking at an underage forum, and now mister trump has sent him to rehab. you see what's going on? winehouse does.

i saw a guy on the subway with a real live pompadour. and this was no grown up. this was a kid, maybe 20, awful cute. reminded me of johnny suede. when the special needs teacher or whatever love interest character says to him, 'i love you' and he knows no better than to say, 'thank you.'

how d'ya like me now?

saw my super super on my way out this morning, he was at my house to do something or other. i waved hello, since he was on the phone, but am a wee dressed up, even put 'ladies. [pause] mascara' on my eyes (who can name that quote? i know at least one of you can.) then on the subway, well i got on the wrong damn train, and was sitting in a corner seat and this guy across the aisle - that is, we were sitting the same direction but with a door gap between us, said hello. see, i know this guy, friend of friend, playwright, smartie-pants type, nice. run into him regular on the subway wherein regular is every 11.77 months. we have the same conversation--how are you? where do you work? where do you live? and then when i stand to leave he says, you look good, did you lose weight?

which is funny because of my super asking if i had done the reverse last week. and funny because that's always been a minor irk, when someone says you look good and asks if you lost wgt, that old implication that before you didn't look good, even if heavier. there are other questionable implications about that too, i think, but i don't remember what they are and also, who cares? it's friday! and i have heaps to do.

i'm illin'

j's getting over malaria. (stop going to liberia already for pete's sake! and mine too!) while yrs truly's got agita. bad. everything is making me want to run and scream. everything. i need change. i wish i knew how to make that math change symbol. i would. even that would help.